I like Goetta. As a Friend.

An account of my Goetta Tour of Northern Kentucky follows.  Names have been withheld to protect the hungry, and events have may have been embellished to make me appear funnier.

10:15 My new Bacon T-shirt seems a perfect accessory to the day.

10:59 I meet up with the Goetta Princess at a parking lot in Newport, where she informs me that she always insists on driving.  Twist my arm- I can think of fates far worse than being chauffeured around NKY and fed pork products. 

11:06 First Stop, Mokka, third location in eight years.  The atmosphere is oddly equine.  But the service is friendly and it’s not too crowded.  We split the “french toast with banana creme bruleé pastry cream, roasted potatoes and a big slab of goetta” thing. 

11:19 Mkay. First Bite… wow.  Good crispy exterior, a salty but not overly sage-ey flavor and a rich mouthfeel that isn’t gummy at all.  I explain my surprise at this last point, and GP is curious why I think Goetta would be gummy.

11:19:15  Resisting the urge to get all Mr Wizard with GP and discuss the enzyme in oats that makes oats creamy but can’t work if salt is around.

11:19:20  “Ida know, I guess I just thought they would be gummy.”

11:20  GP tells me about the history of goetta.  Pork with steel cut oats.  German, obviously, but native only to Northern Germany rather than Bavaria.  Peasant food, oats are typically uncooked before being added.  Until this moment I just thought it was this “weird pork stuff.”  Huh.

11:30  Initial Verdict… I approve.  Milder flavor and filling without being overly heavy.  Still, I’m already in a minor food coma.

11:45 I forget to explain to GP how my favorite thing to do just after a meal is to sit in the passengers seat and doze off.  By the I snap out of it we are turning onto Pike street.

11:45. NO. This can only mean one thing. 

11:46 “Okay, the next place we are going is this place across from the…
“Oh my god NO.”
“But they get their goetta fresh every day and…”
“They have this barbie display that dances when the jukebox plays…”
“We CANNOT go there.”
“dude, didn’t you say that I was in control today.”

11:55 If a story about your the previous drunken escapade in Cincinnati also includes the words “sooolate,” “Blood Stains” or “crazy stuff in the bathroom,” “grease fire,” ”ambulances,” “cockfighting,” “Bowie Knives,” or anybody named “Moose”…  There is a 94% chance that the story also contains the words “Anchor Grill.”  Which is where we end up. 

Inexplicably, I have never granted this establishment my custom.

12:02 But GP’s point is well taken.  The Anchor Grill is, in fact, right across the street from the largest Goetta-ry is the region, and obtains fresh stuff every day.  And it’s after noon.  How bad can it be.

12:10 Jukebox.  I find a quarter and select Johnny Horton’s “The Battle of New Orleans.”  It is, to my knowledge, the only song available containing a reference to bacon.

 12:15 We order the goetta omlette and a couple of buscuits.  I yodel “And they ran through the bushes where the rabbits coudn’t go.” as we watch the barbies dance.

12:18. Order arrives.  Okay, this goetta is completely different.  It actually does taste fresher.  Looser, with this vauge grittyness that I like.  The eggs taste like egg.  We make it out alive.

12:45 Last stop.  Pasquales in Bellvue.  My fear of all points east of Newport is encapsulated by the following:

12:50  Geotta hogies to go.  We sit up front waiting for them.  Theycall out numbers and I’m tempted to shout out “BINGO” as they arrive.

13:10 GP and I are both sleepy.  We chit chat for a bit and part company.  I make a few remarks that create the false impression that my sammich will be consumed for a late dinner.

13:45 Hoagie.  I’ve been uncomfortable with Pasquales because of bad experiences at the one in Newport, and no one is able to tell me definatively if the two are related.  But anyway, this hogie is PERFECT.  Warm bread dusted with semolina, and the right relationship of toppings to meat.  The goetta here is VERY dense, but still tender.  One of the year’s better sandwiches.

13:59 A looong nap

19:40 Final Verdict.  I enjoyed the taste and texture of geotta.  But it’s not what I am going to wake up in the morning craving. Or something I am going to actively seek out when I’m in the mood for pork.  I hope that goetta doesn’t take it the wrong way, it’s a nice meat and all.  I hope he can console himself, maybe spend some time with his friends ham and hog jowl, and consider that plenty of people are “really into” goetta.  Me?  I’m still seeing bacon.

With Chorizo as my 2am dial. 



12 thoughts on “I like Goetta. As a Friend.

  1. yeah, you cure the hangover with bacon, appease the afternoon gods with barbeque, worship the night with pork belly, and then start all over again by drunk-dialing the chorizo, — so where does that leave goetta?

    but i have to admit there’re been times it made me forget bacon… even newski’s. it’s just so … toothsome, what with the oats and all.

  2. Haha, thanks, man, you’re right… sometimes goetta gets squeezed aside.

    Maybe, like Amilé, it is neccecary to find a strategem – allowing goetta to ‘accidentally’ meet one of my other friends and see if happiness can result.

  3. hilarious! i love goetta though. i totally crave it. i also love skyline. i promise i am really not from here.

    i am jealous of your trip to anchor grill, i really want to go but nobody will go with me!

  4. First, you are even crazier than initially anticipated.

    Second, the AG also has a BLT with goetta (the GLT) which I haven’t tried but it’s goetta be gooda!

    Finally, a place that knows its goetta will ask whether you want it crispy (i.e. well done) which is how we pros get it.

    Finally #2, there is a goetta subculture that puts jam on it.

  5. Going to AG with GP sounds like my own personal heaven. I’m jealous. Did you put ketchup on your goetta at any time throughout the day?

  6. i *heart* goetta. i order it on grilled cheese; i am a fan of the glt; a friend gave me the glier’s cookbook which includes a recipe for ‘spagoetta’; i have made goetta from scratch at home. i once harbored aspirations of being crowned ‘miss goetta’ at goettafest. i will also add proper goetta contains beef and pork mixed with the pin oats, at least in my family. you think poor german immigrants could afford enough of one kind of meat?

    i have friends who eat it with syrup.

    your commentary is absolutely breathtaking.

  7. First of all, Liz…I will go with you to the Anchor Grill any day!

    And second, all these comments make me very happy…the syrup, goetta grilled cheese, “miss goetta,” etc…

    Goetta Day 2009= delicious success!

  8. Thanks for the awesome comments, people!

    Liz. Do not be jealous. There is plenty of grease to go around. Have you ever been to Tuckers in OTR? That might even be more fun.

    WestEnder- Thanks, I try. And I am at this point a goetta acolyte and knew nothing of the “jam” option. I’ll keep it in mind.

    Mom – Yes, I had a blast. The GP was a good sport and I survived the anchor grill. I did not, however, execute the catchup option.

    K – Your comment made me smile until I read the “word” spagoetta, which just seems wrong on like six different levels. But I am moved by your goetta obsession. :)

    (and thanks. All those years and countless thousands of dollars obtaining a degree in English Literature and now… I write a bacon blog. Thank you taxpayers of Michigan.)

    GP – Thank you. For being the guide, the Sacajewea of Goetta, if I may! I do appreciate you being a good sport. Like I said, I have a bad habit of ticking people off whom I blog about.

  9. Goetta day must have been the best day of your life! One of my absolute favorite goetta-y things is the goetta and cheese omelette…with ketchup, of course. If you fear returning to the Anchor Grill, I’m sure the GP informed you that the Pepper Pod in Newport also makes a delicious omelette. Of course, it’s not much classier than the AG, but they do usually offer a security guard :)

  10. Yes dear, the 2 pesqaules are related. Whenever I go to Mansion Hill (the king dive joint, cash only) we always order from there. And one of the locations has better food than the other, tho the bartenders have never given me a satisfactory reason as to why this is.
    I would also like to point out that you chastise me every time I mention Anchor Grill, even when I preface it with “it was 4:00 a.m. and I was so drunk I felt that the best way to describe the philosophies of life was by quoting Paulie Shore.” Party foul my friend, party foul. Bad form.